I feel busy yet confused. One week until Christmas. Yet I feel old man depression coming in: was it the rain, the confusion about a woman (love's confusion). Not wanting to be alone? The people we have lost: Bing, Paul Newman, Gerald Ford, and of course Bo and Woody?? All that is left is words, sounds, memories.
That depression about not wanting to be alone, in mind and in person, even though I have children does not seem to matter. The thought of not being in command of my classes... and there have been some great moments teaching this semester. So now I have until mid-January to relax and recover. Yes, many things to do, but also time for some creativity.
Some ideas: for painting how about a big nude? For novellas, how about the detective that is not really a detective but just a composition teaching who has to follow the words and letters and makes plenty or sense out of it all--more than is real--to the point of pyschosis. No, those machinations do not come true.
The canvass must be huge to depict the full import of it all.
And then there is the reading list: the new life; black book... yes, I need to read mainly fiction.
who knows? I may be inspired to write about this latest occurrences (the art of seduction???) Well, one time it worked. I still don't know exactly why.
But I do say: as crazy as I am, there is no true seduction without the possibility of bringing new life into the world, which needs it even if it never quite turns out as we plan. And why should it? I do not want to grow out without having more children. It is Christmas season after all. I guess I don't need to go insane: I am already there!!!
Sincerely, Dee Tremens
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